Voted best Joke in U.K.

[lolex kia]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into the Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't!

The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?'


'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'

[Hary]

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your
babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are
customer COMPLAINTS.

[Hary]

A Japanese guy walks into a currency exchange in Trafalgar Square and hands 10,000 over the counter.
The woman smiles and hands him back 70 pounds. The following week,he again walks in and puts down 10,000 yen- but this time the teller only gives him 60 pounds
'Why less this week?" he asks the teller.
The lady smiles and says "Fluctuations"
The japanese man storms out,and just before slamming the door,turns around and says,Well "FLUC YOU BLITTISH TOO!"

[Hary]

One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow.
I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"

[ping3288]

this one my fav

One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow.
I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"

[seiko.citizen]

all was good. giving a good laugh

[Hary]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[RichardCranum]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Ha, ha, ha, this is absolute hilarious. Now I know why mum named me Dick.

[Oceanklassik]

One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow.
I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Hary]

A woman is sitting at her desk in the Sperm Bank when the door bursts open and in comes a guy carrying a gun with his face covered by a mask.
"Open the safe - NOW" he shouts.
"But sir, this is a sperm bank" she cries back at him.
"Never mind that, open the ****ing safe, NOW, RIGHT NOW" he shouts back waving his gun under her nose.
She opens the safe and and he says "Right, open one of those bottles and drink it all down".
Terrified, she opens the botle and gulps it all down.
The guy then pulls off his mask and she is amazed to see that he is her boyfriend who says,
"Right, it's not so ****ing difficult after all, is it"

[Oceanklassik]

I like that .. I mean both the joke and ermmm.....