funny jokes, video etc

[pet]

[seiko.citizen]

i like that one!

[Oceanklassik]

Lawyer vs Chinese

A lawyer and a Chinese man were seated next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer thought that all Chinese were so dumb that he could get over on them easily. So he asked if the Chinese man would like to play a fun game.

The Chinese man was tired and wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined, and tried to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persisted and said that he would ask the Chinese man a question. If the latter did not know the answer, he would have to pay the lawyer $5 only. And in turn, the Chinese man would ask the lawyer one, and if the lawyer did not have an answer, he would pay $500 to the Chinese man.

This caught the Chinese man's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agreed to play the game.

The lawyer asked the first question, " What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon? "

The Chinese man didn't say a word, reached into his pocket, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Chinese man's turn and he asked the lawyer, " What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? "

The lawyer used his laptop and searched all references but could not find an answer on the Net. He sent emails to all the smart friends he knew; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gave up.

He woke the Chinese man up and handsd him $500. The Chinese man happily pocketed the money and went right back to sleep. The lawyer was going nuts not knowing the answer. He woke the Chinese man up and asks, " Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?! "

The Chinese man reached into his pocket, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.

[louisoh]

[pet]

i like that one!

one = ah oh, one = ah van .... hahhaha

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ocean's chinese/ lawyer 1...funny... hahhahaa

[louisoh]

one = ah oh, one = ah van .... hahhaha

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No lo... Don't bluff.... Pond dun have...

[pet]

[pet]

[pet]

Management Lesson number One

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients.
" The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.




Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the
brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The Hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the ****!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.




Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson: Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend. And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut!

[Oceanklassik]

[Oceanklassik]

For tuesday

An old couple, both well in their 80s, went to a sex therapist office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for sexual advice that he agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.."

He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck and charged them $50. The next week, the same couple returned and asked the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple made an appointment, had intercourse with no problems, paid the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98; Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

[Oceanklassik]

Susan and Rebecca were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. Susan pulled out a condom, cuts off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Rebecca: What in the hell is that?

Susan: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Rebecca: Where did you get it?

Susan: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Rebecca hobbled herself into the local pharmacy and said to the pharmacist that she wanted a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looked at her strangely (Rebecca was after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asked what brand of condom she preferred.

"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a CAMEL."

The pharmacist fainted!

[Oceanklassik]

For TGIF

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of an heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral,

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed behind, The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed,

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, ' It HURTS, doesn't it ?'

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A husband and wife decided they needed to use 'code' to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word 'Typewriter'

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, 'Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter'.

The child told her mommy what her daddy said, and her mommy responded, 'Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red letter ribbon in the typewriter.' The child went back to tell her daddy what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, 'Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.'

The child told her daddy, returned to her mommy and announced. 'Daddy said nevermind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand,'

[Oceanklassik]

The wife, fresh from shower, stood in front of the mirror and complained to the husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, he suggested, "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for few seconds".

Willing to try anything, wife fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," husband replied.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my them larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat, husband said, "Worked for
your a*se, didn't it?"

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There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[Oceanklassik]

Nurses aren't suppose to laugh...

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse.. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

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A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. � You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

*********
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
�Wow,� she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
�Oh, mercy me!� she exclaims, �I can hardly stand it!�
*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!