funny jokes, video etc

[Oceanklassik]

[pet]

[seiko.citizen]

looks like in a western country........ that is a very innovative way to advertise

[pet]

impossible landing...

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/st...sible_Landing/

[Oceanklassik]

omg

[pet]

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."





A Professional Gambler

There was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of world financial crisis, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[crimewatch]

more of crimewatch jokes

Happy Christmas to all... darn, damn busy recently with work and study...
nonetheless, here are some more jokes from me! cheers..

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A Junior Philosopher..
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three

women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her

cone, which one is married?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But

I like the way you are thinking".

The Teacher Fainted...

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Top 7 Reasons Fishing Is Better Than Sex.....

1. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE

2. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE

3. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY

4. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

5. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH

6. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK

7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD


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Famous quotes....
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. --- Woody Allen

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. --- Lynn Lavner

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. --- Sharon Stone

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****. --- Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.--- Billy Crystal

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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

I am willing to work any shift.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


The response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated work area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you have been constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

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The Five Secrets Of A Perfect Relationship
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.


2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.


4. It's important to have a woman who cares you always and
whom u like to be with when u r alone
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. and
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the last 'n' most imp. one.................
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5. It's very, very important that these four women don't
know each other.........

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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

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[louisoh]

Ur jokes nvr fail to make me luff....

[Oceanklassik]

[crimewatch]

Back by popular demand, 2 more!

Q: Whats the difference between a wife and a job?

A: After five years, job still sucks

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How deleting one word after another can lead to a nice story

Oh John Pls. dont touch me

Oh John Pls. dont Touch

Oh John Pls. dont

Oh John Pls.

Oh John

Ohhhh

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[pet]

[Oceanklassik]

[seiko.citizen]

rofl

[pet]

strip magic

[pet]