funny jokes, video etc

[Oceanklassik]

Ya, my first look is already a lamp

[pet]

10 Worst Company Domains

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

[pet]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

[pet]

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor
she's broken every single bone in her body.
"That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!"
She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!"
Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!"
Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure
as the tears start to roll down her face.
She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination.

"Well, miss," he tells her,
"I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body.
The bad news is, you've broken your finger."

[pet]

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient: "Doc, I fart all the time."

The Doctor nods, "Hmmmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmmmm," says the Doctor.

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

----------------------------------------

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!"

[ejaan]

[pet]

[crimewatch]

A gentleman tried to go to the toilet in a resturant, but the Gents was
occupied.
A waitress noticed his predicament. "Sir," she said "You may use
the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons
on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified
by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled TR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He
pushed WW warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a
nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things
like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this
stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a
restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push the TR button which he knew would be supreme
ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
bed, and the same waitress was staring down at him.
"What happened?"he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was
pushing the TR button."
"The button TR is a Tampon Remover. Congrats! Your penis is under your
pillow."





It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."






In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain, where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord" begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit & I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system on the ark. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding theheight limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeals Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against the! ir will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord: "the government beat me to it."







Difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?


You know what is the difference between girls aged : 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?


At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.


At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.


At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.


At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.


At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.


At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!







I have one
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Indian usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?

Which one is your preferred one ?
What you are thinking of ??..


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Answer : its your Surname, what else? !!

but I like the way you think .................







Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Lee Kuan Yew die and
go to hell. But the devil has only one phone there. Queen says,
I miss my England. can I use your phone and hear how my people
are doing down there.

She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks:
Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says:
Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back
to her chair .

Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call
the US . He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much
do I owe you devil? The devil says: Ten million dollars.
He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat


Lee Kuan Yew is jealous. He says I want to call
Singapore . He calls and talks for about an hour to
his son Lee Hsien Loong who is busy trying to
find Mas Selamat. Then he asks the devil how much do I
owe you?

The devil replies: only one dollar. Lee Kuan Yew is
shocked and asks 'why so little?'.
The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to
another,IT'S A LOCAL CALL.

[Oceanklassik]

hahaha

.. gd jokes..

[ejaan]

[pet]

crimewatch's jo0ke, really funny...hahahha

[pet]

mst be rolex

[crimewatch]

more crime watch jokes...

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed a large billboard sign advertising free sex with a 15 gallon fill-up of gas. Thinking this sounded like too good of a deal to be true, they both decided to check it out and went into town and stopped at the gas station.

They filled up their car with gas and went into pay. Before handing over the money, they asked the station manager about the free sex. "Well," said the manager, "it's not quite that simple. First you need to take a simple test and if you pass, you get the free sex. What you do is try and guess the number I am thinking of between One and Five."

The men looked at each other and decided to try the number, Three. "Wrong," said the manager, the number I was thinking of was Two, but you can come back again and try to win." The Norwegian men left the gas station disappointed and drove away. While in their car, one looks over and says to the other, "Hey, Ole, I bet that manager cheated us. You know he could have said any number and how would we know if it was the right number?"

His friend looked at him and replied, "No you're wrong, he didn't cheat us. My wife won four times just last week!





Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"



An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquirer about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."

[ejaan]

Sick jokes but darn hilarious...

[jazz_samz]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRiYkwtBK34&NR=1