funny jokes, video etc

[Oceanklassik]

Kevin woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Kevin had to force his eyes open, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Kevin sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins and noticed he had a black eye from the mirror in the toilet. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Mabel"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Kevin asked, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 4 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hall, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replied, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $249/=
Hot Breakfast $5/=
Two Aspirins $1.20/=
Saying the right thing, at the right time.

PRICELESS!!!

[Oceanklassik]

A bus stopped and 2 Italian men got on. They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pigs," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[z1971]

How to say too small in sign language

Mod, pls delete if inappropriate. TIA.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFfLhHx0Z1s

[pet]

Mod, pls delete if inappropriate. TIA.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFfLhHx0Z1s

hahahahha melons

[RTS]

A Junior Philosopher..

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
your gun, how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her
cone, which one is married?
Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But
I like the way you are thinking".
The Teacher Fainted...

[Oceanklassik]

[R-oyster]

The Norwegian Wrestler

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to
Square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now,
Don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match
Because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in
That hold! If he does, you're finished." Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking
For an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and
Wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.. A sigh of disappointment arose from
The crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He
Couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised
His eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the
Mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the
Match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at DA
Last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my
Face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my
Neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
__________________

[pet]

... hahahhaa.... Jia Ka Ki... hahaha

[pet]

PAP= Pay And Pay
WP= Why Pay ?
SDP= So Dont Pay

[pet]

Darkie is applying for a cashier job at a new joint. Louis the boss came across his resume and check his ref with his previous emplyer.
previous employer commented tht darkie always late for work, stole money from the register and he's gay.

louis call darkie in... and said
" i am going to gv u a chance... i expect no non sense frm u"
"do not come late, do not take money frm the cash box... u understand ? "
darkie: " yes sir ... thnk u thnk u...."
louis: " okie, good... now gv me a kiss and get to work "

[louisoh]

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the

floor.'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

[RTS]

Darkie is applying for a cashier job at a new joint. Louis the boss came across his resume and check his ref with his previous emplyer.
previous employer commented tht darkie always late for work, stole money from the register and he's gay.

louis call darkie in... and said
" i am going to gv u a chance... i expect no non sense frm u"
"do not come late, do not take money frm the cash box... u understand ? "
darkie: " yes sir ... thnk u thnk u...."
louis: " okie, good... now gv me a kiss and get to work "

really, one arrow kills 2 birds.. POWDERFUL!

[Oceanklassik]

WHY are men always happier?

Men are just happier people:

Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves
Chocolate is just another snack
You can be President, and can never get pregnant
You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park
You can also wear NO shirt to a water park
Car mechanics often tell you the truth
The world is your urinal
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt
Same work, more pay
Wrinkles add character
Wedding dress=$5,000; tux rental=$100
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
One mood all the time
Phone conversations are over in 30sec
You know stuff about tanks
A 5-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase
You can open all your own jars
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
If someone forgets to invite you, he/she can still be your friend
Your underwear is $8.95 for a 3-pack
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
You almost never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
Everything on your face stays its original color
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
You only have to shave your face and neck
You can play with toys all your life
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier..

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!!!

[BigBlueBird]

This an interesting pic



No wonder they are so randy

[pet]